Thursday, January 22, 2009

Marbles rolling around in my head

I've been walking around lately wondering what I'll write about next. So many things have been rolling around in my head lately...that it has made it difficult to pick a subject. So I'll start with one that I have been trying the hardest to avoid.

My baby is turning 1.

On the outer exterior shell...I'm taking it in stride. I've put on lots of brave faces and smiled when casually talking about it. The truth is that I feel like I've missed an entire year of his life.

Where has the time gone? I have no idea. And that makes me feel like I haven't cherished it enough. "Your kids are only little once!" I always hear. This is so true. But sometimes, it is difficult for a mom in the middle of it all to take a step out of herself and enjoy it all.

I have spent much of this past year feeling bogged down...like I can barely move because...well, I'm not really sure why. I just know I do. And I feel often Rebekah has been getting a shaft because Peter is SO loud. She runs to hug me when I get home...he screams until I pick him up. So I quickly hug her and run to pick him up. I do usually ask her about her day while I'm doing this...but I do wish I had a better grip on how to give her more 1/1 attention when I get home.

So how have I come to grips with these feelings over the past year? I'm not sure I've done it very well. After all...I now feel like I've missed my baby's first year. I can't believe it has been a year...I remember the hospital trip like it was yesterday. (Really, I guess it was 360 days ago.) I feel like a failure at mom-hood much of the time. My friend has repeatedly told me something someone told her..."Motherhood is varying degrees of guilty feelings". Well it is in full swing right now. ;-)

How can I be a better mother? I don't really know. In this area, I often repeat to myself something my Pastor said..."A good parent is one that does more things right than wrong". So have I been doing more things right than wrong?

Well...I have two happy, healthy, eager children. They are well loved by many. I get SO many comments on what a sweet and wonderful child Rebekah is or what a cutie Peter is. So...hopefully I am.


There is one other thing rolling around in my head. Peter was supposed to start at the new daycare (where Rebekah goes) at the beginning of Feb. Well...he isn't walking. So he doesn't get to start until at least March...and that is if he is walking. (June was mentioned as the next available spot if he isn't!) No biggie...except Brenda's husband is being laid off. And a potential dream job for him is open in Dallas.

I'm so excited for them and this opportunity! Everyone deserves to have a job they enjoy! So I have been praying that they get it...or that they get the perfect job for their family! This job is right up Jake's alley...and I think he is pretty excited about the opportunity.

Sooooo...how is God going to do this? How is He going to take care of Peter and Brenda? I know He can. I found that when Peter needed care last time around, God had already arranged it even before I knew Peter needed it. So what does God have arranged THIS time?

It will be a wild ride...and I'm sure I won't be as calm about it as I'm presenting myself here...but I know in my heart of hearts that it will work out in the end.

So pray for Jake's job. He needs one. Pray for my wisdom to know what needs to happen for Peter. Thank you for your prayers. :-) If you aren't a praying person...then keep watching this blog. God has been doing big things in my family for the past 2 years (longer...but I mean BIG HUGE MIRACULOUS things that when I think about, I'm just in AWE!).

It was just 2 years ago that things looked bleak. William was laid off. I wanted another baby...I can just remember walking out of a restaurant after grabbing breakfast telling God "OK...when am I going to start seeing the blessings? When will life be positive again?" And here we are...William has a job he loves. We have Peter. God is working on our finances...We have a house showing next Monday. God is going to sell our house and bless us, bless the person buying our house AND bless the person we buy a house from (when we move). Why? Because He can. So keep watching...it is coming!

3 comments:

Nancy Alina Szczekocki said...

I think just the thought of wondering how to be a better mother, makes you a fantastic mother!

CCMOM said...

I think you are a wonderful mother who loves and cares for her children dearly!!!
And I can't wait to "watch" and see, while I am praying for you all, all the blessings for your family that are in store!

Miriam said...

Thank you for your kind comments!