Monday, November 14, 2011

Keeping it real: The Struggle

I haven't written any updates on weight since the end of August.  So I thought I'd give a semi-quick one today.

The ugly truth is that I haven't really lost anything.  And at my last weigh-in - I hadn't lost anything for quite some time. 

The bright side is that I hadn't really gained anything either.  I mean - I did lose 1 lb at one time, but it came back. ;-)  So hoovering at an even weight is actually something I wondered if I would be able to do.  But of course - I still have 17 pesky pounds I'd like to lose before I really consider myself done

More ugly running has slacked off.  I've been so busy at work that eating lunch even has become crunched.  Winter daylight hours have made morning runs miserable...not to mention the cold.  I don't have properly clothing for the cold and have had little time to shop for new clothes to be able to RUN in the cold.  Vicious cycle no??  I hate running in the dark.  But I hated running in the heat too.  I got 'er done and I'd get dark-runs done too...but I just cannot bring myself to go run in my flimsy sweats when the temps are hoovering around 30.  I've been ok at 40...but 30 seems so much colder.  So I went from running 11 mi/wk to 5-6 mi/wk.  And that really sucks.  Really.  Because I do enjoy running.  I will most likely have to pick up the Wii EA Active for supplemental exercise soon if this keeps up.  I'm hoping things shake out soon and a natural schedule will fall into place.  It has always done so thus far.

Truthfully...I need to find time to pick up some weight lifting.  I have access to it - I just need to figure that into my schedule.  This will help me on so many levels.

Even more ugly eating.  I was really really struggling.  Then I'd beat myself up for struggling.  It really spiraled "out of control" (in my opinion) around Halloween.  I found myself in the same old position of not saying no, feeling guilty, berating myself over it which would induce more guilt...pretty ugly.  I started spending a lot of time in prayer on this particular topic.  I had no idea why I had become so weak all of a sudden.  I mean - I eat that crap and feel AWFUL afterwards, but kept doing it anyway.  Compounded by the lack of exercise I've had lately...oh boy.

I felt like I was sliding down a hill unsuccessfully grasping at limbs to try and stop myself.  I considered giving up and just seeing where I landed - but that seemed so dangerous.  What if I want all the way to the BOTTOM and had to start over

And truthfully...I'm still right in the middle of the struggle.  I've caught a limb and am beginning the journey of working my way back up the hill. I at least have a plan now and feel like I am again conquering.

I have no explanations for how I ended up here...but I can tell you what I am doing to climb back up.

First - I prayed.  I prayed and prayed and prayed.  I bent God's ear on this subject, pouring myself out telling Him I didn't know what had changed but I certainly would need HIS help to go back. 

I felt like I was talking to a wall for a long time.  I had no idea why...but there was nothing.  Complete silence.  And so I kept talking...because really it was clear that I had no other choice.  For whatever reason...I could NOT seem to make a good food choice to save my life.  I could NOT say NO to all the junk food that was presenting itself to me.  And I also couldn't just flee the temptation.  I don't exactly have a choice to leave when I'm in a meeting at work that I'm running and there are cookies that someone brought in on the table.

One day as I was reading along I came across this verse...

For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline. ~2 Timothy 1:7 (NIV - emphasis mine)
This hit me right between the eyes.  God GAVE me the tools already.  I just need to call on them...BUT HOW!?!?! 

Then I decided to go back to the basics.  Start with one thing at a time.  So I'm starting with my morning latte habit.  They are free at work - and while not very many calories...are still calories.  I'm going to work my way through all of my meals week by week...back to the basics.  So far my morning has been going well.  I haven't gotten a 'Bucks or a work-latte (also 'Bucks...plain latte with hot cocoa mixed in is YUM) in a week.  And I walk by the latte machine to warm up my breakfast every morning.  I recite the above verse to myself and somehow it has been giving me the strength to move along. 

I'm feeling better and stronger now that I'm taking some steps in the right direction.  My next step will be to fix my lunches and snacks.  Today I did pretty well at lunch...but then my friend and I hit up a frozen yogurt shop to use up a Groupon I had.  :)

So anyway...I don't know how this crappy eating happened, but I believe I'm on the mend.  Some other future steps I'll need to take is getting back to menu planning to ensure healthy meals and also not eating seconds at dinner.  I've also been really bad about picking at the kids plates.  So I have plenty of work cut out for me - and I'm hoping that once I get there I'll see some progress again in the weight-loss department. 

So that is where I'm at.  Ugly is ugly.  I wish I had more good news to tell - but I don't really.  I considered not sharing this at all.  I think that in the name of being authentic - it is important to share the ugly along with the good.  Things aren't always picture perfect and rosy.  Sometimes knowing someone else is having a similar struggle just helps.

But I definitely couldn't write about it while I was drowning in it.  I read an article one time that talked about how silent actual drowning is.  You are so busy trying to gasp for breath you aren't going to use precious air to yell for help.  I think the same goes for other types of drowning...thank goodness our life guard and Savior can spot us.  I think this story would look pretty different if that weren't the case.

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